WrapperRhymes is a collection of poems written
on wrappers, following the example set by Ted Hughes,
who wrote a Tunnocks wrapper poem in 1986.
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Discount Viscount
British, minted, you were the prestigious
guest post-sandwich, mid-afternoon-tea.
Biscuit aristocracy.Now Britain is broken, brash, classless –
chomping on buy-one-get-one-free
Taste the difference nouveau-Rich Tea.Recast as a retro throwback,
discounted, you make your final stand
in the crumbling mansion of your brand.
Wrapper: Viscount (7-pack, mint)
Rhymer: Nick AsburyAbout the rhymer: Nick Asbury is the editor of WrapperRhymes. Previous contributions include Chewit Apology, Yorkshire Tea and British Lion.
Author’s note: I bought these Viscount biscuits in a fit of nostalgia from the local corner shop. When I went to pay, the shop assistant said something that no shopper wants to hear: “Oh, I’m glad someone’s bought those!” I subsequently found out they were almost past their sell-by date. I feel this adds to the thematic weight of the poem.
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Chocolate Orange
Not much rhymes with ‘chocolate orange’.
Syringe, perhaps (in a silly voice).
As subjects go, I’m feeling that
I’ve made a rather stupid choice.Wrapper: Terry’s Chocolate Orange
Rhymer: Kit BallantyneAbout the rhymer: Kit Ballantyne is a copywriter for Amsterdam ad agency Twofish, who does songs and poems on the side. He likes mandolins and gins.
Editor’s note: I don’t know whether it’s by accident or design that our first entry from Amsterdam has an orange theme, but it’s satisfying either way.
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Black Magic
How relieved you were to realise
my grandmother’s black magic
was nothing more than chocolates in a box,
exhumed whenever visitors would call,
and not a ritual of the dark arts.
She watched you take your pick – wandering
your hands across their smooth topography
as if you might cajole a tune
from those black keys,
perhaps a certain Johnny Mercer song -
Yet, knowing all along which you would choose:
her bitter runes foretelling of the rush
to A&E it would require. Beware of nuts was
always her advice. Concerning men
she knew the risky ones.
Wrapper: Black Magic, Classic Favourites, 188g
Rhymer: Heather ReidAbout the rhymer: Heather Reid is originally from Oldham but has lived in Scotland for a very long time. Her poems for adults and children have been widely published, as well as broadcast on radio, and her collection of stories, ‘Kiss and other stories’, is available on Amazon Kindle. She was drawn to this project by the opportunity to scoff an entire box of chocolates and call it research. More about Heather at www.soutarwriters.co.uk/heatherreid
Editor’s note: A fine entry, and worth the wait. WrapperRhymes appears to have entered a lazy, meandering phase. But this is poetry and things are allowed to move slowly. We will be back among the rapids soon.
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Toblerone
I’m not a man for complex theories
about the way things are. Geometries
cannot explain my world; appease
me then with chocolate. Its guarantees
are absolute — no hype, no tease,
no failure to deliver. Like cheese,
it must be Swiss if it’s to please
me, preferably bristling with vertices
and edges. Equilateral, isosceles?
I couldn’t care. Pythagoras decrees
the only things that count are these;
internal angles numbered in threes,
one hundred and eighty opulent degrees.
Wrapper: Toblerone (White chocolate, limited edition, 170g)
Rhymer: Andy JacksonAbout the rhymer: Andy Jackson is from Manchester, now living in Scotland. His poems have appeared in magazines such as Magma, Trespass, and Gutter, and on the walls of public conveniences in the Shetland Islands. A collection, The Assassination Museum, was published by Red Squirrel Press in 2010. His website is at soutarwriters.co.uk/andyjackson
Editor’s note: A white chocolate limited edition bar of a poem. The Assassination Museum is highly recommended and available here.
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Plane chocolate
At Schipol Airport, Amsterdam,
You can buy bulbs and gems and ham,
Or spend a happy hour
On the observation tower
Watching planes come in from Japan.
At Schipol Airport duty free,
You can buy clogs and cheese and tea.
You can sip on a Heineken
As you wait to fly off again
Or check Old Masters at a small gallery.
At Schipol Airport International,
You can tie the knot or take confessional.
If your plane’s delayed
Don’t be dismayed —
The toilets are quite exceptional.
It’s known that ladies of the night
Regularly divert their flights
So stressed executives
From Bonn and Tel Aviv
Can be taken to new heights.
At the third largest airport in the world
The scale of everything’s absurd.
Even a chocolate bar
Is the size of a car,
But you can still buy it, undeterred.
And so I landed this tube of Droste —
Must be a metre long at most.
It has a Delft blue motif
And gave me some grief
Lugging it round from pillar to post.
On the plane back to Blighty
It reached back to Row 80.
The stewardess cursed
As she went over head first
And I’m still eating Droste nightly.
Wrapper: Droste (60 Milk Pastilles)
Rhymer: Jim DaviesAbout the rhymer: Jim Davies has appeared twice before on WrapperRhymes, with Mars and Milky Bar Buttons. This is his most heavyweight work to date. Jim is a copywriter and founder of totalcontent.
Editor’s note: Apologies for the extended and unintentional break in service from WrapperRhymes, but we are back and raring to go. Submissions are welcome as ever.
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Jelly Baby Blues
O jelly babies in a box for just two quid, my premise is
that our encounter will be brief and I, alas, your Nemesis!I note your names begin with B: Brilliant, Big Heart, Bubbles,
Baby Bonny, Boofuls, Bumper — bring me all your troubles.Real fruit juice. Yes, indeed, my dears. And everybody savours
the way your colours are natural, and so are all your flavours.How touching your wee faces are! Your smiles are winning assets,
a credit to the Cadbury’s sweet once solely owned by Bassetts.I have no fear of Spanish flu, malaria or rabies
but I fear the fate that now awaits my darling jelly babies.
Wrapper: Jelly Babies
Rhymer: Helena NelsonAbout the rhymer: Helena Nelson runs HappenStance Press, one of the finest pamphlet publishers in the UK. She is a widely admired poet, whose latest title is Plot and Counter-Plot. This is her fourth contribution to WrapperRhymes, following Western Block, Fading Fast and Alliance.
Editor’s note: I hadn’t realised the Jelly Babies have names, or that they all begin with B. It seems an unhelpful extra personalising touch in what has always been an uneasy brand concept.
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Ode to Reese’s Pieces
Snobs might call you garish,
vulgar, an offence
to taste and decency.
You are peanutty-brash,
an interloper –
but you crack so sweetly
between my teeth.
Wrapper: Reese’s Pieces
Rhymer: Sarah StewartAbout the rhymer: This is Sarah Stewart’s second poem on WrapperRhymes, following the excellent Tunnock’s Dark Chocolate Mallow. Sarah was born in Aberdeen and worked in London as a journalist and editor before completing the M.Litt in Poetry at St Andrews. Her poetry has been published in the Scotsman and Anon magazine and performed at Shetland’s Wordplay festival.
Editor’s note: I particularly like the sound this poem makes, with the ‘ee’ sound echoing through ‘decency’, ‘peanutty’, ‘sweetly’, ‘between’ and ‘teeth’, as well as in the brand name itself. Readers will note some ink loss has taken place on the wrapper, but I think this adds to its charm. -
Mars
Marianne, Marianne,
Paint it black.
When can I have
My Mars bar back?
Wrapper: Mars
Rhymer: Jim DaviesAbout the rhymer: Jim Davies is a commercial writer who works for brands and design companies. He was one of the early contributors to WrapperRhymes with Milky Bar Buttons. Jim mentions in his submission that his degree was handed to him many years ago by none other than Ted Hughes. He doesn’t specify whether it was printed on a Tunnock’s wrapper.
Editor’s note: This poem references a story that is too unsavoury to link to here, but feel free to Google it.
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BRITISH LION
For Allan Norman
This proud indomitable chocolate Lion
could never be French or Uruguayan.
Could a Greek, a German or Hawaiian
have invented a bar like the Lion?
Fie on those who deny this Lion
his true descent. This noble scion
of British stock. No Paraguayan
would dare invent the Lion.
It took a Brit with a will of iron –
the kind of man you could rely on
in the trenches – to unleash the Lion.
A pioneer called Allan.
It’s a shame it wasn’t Brian.
Wrapper: Lion Bar
Rhymer: Nick AsburyAbout the rhymer: Nick Asbury is the editor of WrapperRhymes.
Editor’s note: This is a patriotic WrapperRhyme to mark National Poetry Day 2011. It is dedicated to Allan Norman, the chocolatier responsible for the original Lion bar.
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Bosworth
In vain battle Richard gave.
If he’d had more Yorkies
he’d have dodged the grave.
Wrapper: Yorkie (Raisin & Biscuit)
Rhymer: Rishi DastidarAbout the rhymer: Rishi is a senior copywriter at the ad agency archibald ingall stretton. A graduate of the Faber Academy, his poems have been published by Tate Modern, The Delinquent, Verbatim Poetry, Eyewear, Days of Roses and Poetry Digest. He was also the runner-up in the 2011 Cardiff International Poetry Competition.
Editor’s note: Groucho Marx once said his favourite poem was the one that starts ‘30 days hath September’, because it actually teaches you something useful. With its perceptive reading of history, this poem follows in that noble tradition.
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